I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
