Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
