I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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