Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
