McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Randomize
