If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
