I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
