The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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