I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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