I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
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Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
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So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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