In America we eat man semen.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
