apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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