If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
