let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize