come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
