well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
