My liver just broke up with me...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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