I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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