I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
