I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
