I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
