I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
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I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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