how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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