that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
