shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
