I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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