doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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