Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
