period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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