It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
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I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
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The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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