Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
