Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
