she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
