My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
