Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I have tasted many bathrooms
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
