Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
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The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
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She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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