It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
