Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I AM VODKA MAN
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
