Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
