...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
