She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
