My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
