Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
