I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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