someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
