The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
