you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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