i just wanna soil my oats bro
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
