My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
