I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
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Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
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Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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