I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
