I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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