The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just invented taco cereal.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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