Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
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If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
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He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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