Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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