I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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