i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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